she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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