so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i think i have herpe
just one?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
