maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
