I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
