Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
