hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
