Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
