I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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