Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
