upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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