Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
