I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
