you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
