Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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