At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
