and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I have already put on my inside pants.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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