We won't sleep together?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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