You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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