6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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