he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
