I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
