It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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