Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
