When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
