I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
