I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sarcasm needs its own font
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
