Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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