So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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