i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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