Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
