Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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