shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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