His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
