You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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