This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
