Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
