:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
