My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
