Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
