I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
