You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
