did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
