Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
