make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
