Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
