I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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