Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
