We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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