I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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