I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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