i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize