DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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