3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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