Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Did I show you my penis last night?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
