strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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