I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
