a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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