my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Quick, to the slutcave!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
