just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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