I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
